TIM85's Xanga

Friday, April 20, 2007

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 04:30:12 GMT

"I just--I just don't even want to be doing this, sitting here, doing nothing."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, okay, we're sitting here talking about this and that we don't like about our lives, but... It just feels so lame; I mean, if we don't like-- If I don't like my life, if I want something to change in my life, then I should just change it."

"Well, yeah, I mean, I agree with you. I completely agree with that."

"But?"

He inhaled. "Easier said than done."

"Well, heh, yeah, I guess... but, heh, it's easier to say 'easier said than done' than to... do what... you say."

"Uh..."

"Shut up, I just mean that maybe it's just a cop-out to... let things be 'too difficult' and not actually push ourselves to do them."

"Eh, yeah, I just... My brother died three years ago, and I still... I want to get over it; I want so bad to figure out how to really come to terms with it. But it just feels--" sighing heavily, "I still can't get it to not make me feel guilty. I don't want to push him out. I don't want to forget him. It's still even hard for me to... talk about it, like it just feels wrong. The whole goddamn thing feels completely wrong and impossible and irreconcilable."

She stared at him soberly.

"Some things are just shit. Some things just fucking suck and there's no goddamn thing you can do about them. And maybe the only way to be completely honest and healthy or whatever about it is to acknowledge that disgusting truth, that shit is shit."

She rubbed the side of her face, almost scraping. "There has to be some way to be happy, though."

"Yeah, I know. I know."

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 07:22:06 GMT

He pushed on his own eyes, on his closed eyelids, trying to push out what he didn't want. He knew it wouldn't work, but it gave him something to do. "Fuck me. Now. On this table. I'm serious, and if you're not into it, speak now, before I sweep all this useless junk off onto the floor with one passionate swipe of my arm." Completely deadpan.

"Shut up."

"What, no? Oh, well sorry. I guess I'm not man enough for you." What was this weird stuff between his fingers? He picked at it, sort of trying to get it off.

"I was just thinking about Christine the other day."

"But did you realize I've never seen you naked?"

Pause, stare. "Uh, yes, I guess I realize that. Is that a problem?"

"Well, ...I'm just saying I've never seen you naked. Isn't that--..."

"Isn't... it...? So yeah, I was talking to her and she was saying-- We were talking about the way the school just sort of operates as this business that-- I don't want to say that it's, you know, heartless or sinister or whatever... but I think we all have this sort of over-...romanticized... view of... what school... is to us."

"Yeah."

"Are you even--" flash, "Are you picturing me naked?!"

Laughter erupted. "Oh yeah, gimme them sweet titties,"

"Oh my god. Oh, my god."

"them sweet sweet jumbly bumblies."

She shook her head. "I should be much more offended than what--than what my reaction apparently is right now."

"You should be horribly offended by my existence in general. I am."

"Yeah, well, good, why don't you go hang yourself then. I'd pay to see that. I'd be in the front row with popcorn, baby."

"Isn't that a line from an Alanis Morissette song?"

"My life is an Alanis Morissette song."

"Oh, isn't that ironic."

She ran her hand through her hair, tugging and grasping. No weird stuff between her fingers, but she wished.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:11:42 GMT

"Fortress of Solitude." He intoned the words like a fasting monk.

"See, I just don't know how you can even--" glance away, smile, "I mean, it's--...You could keep the door open."

"Heh. Yes, I could. I could keep the door open. I could just leave it open and...let all their--let all their evil energy draft in," stiffening, lips stretching, "freezing my very bones to their fucking core." He shook his fists, sarcastically cursing the heavens or hell or earth.

"Well, aren't we Mr. Dramatification."

"Yeah, well," abruptly exasperated, "I AM a Theater major."

"So, Fortress of Solitude."

"Fortress. Of. Solitude."

She shut the door.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 05:28:42 GMT

"No, I'm feeling it. It's so strange and smooth." It was a huge white snail shell.

"So it doesn't smell like any-- It doesn't smell at all?"

"I'm... touching it-- The mouth is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body. I think. It is for me, anyway. I always used to push my stuffed animals into my face. Maybe it's just me. Yeah, I-- people did sort of think it was weird that I did that-- I mean, that I-- with the stuffed animals."

He smiled. "It's okay, you don't... have to stop. I'm sorry. I'm not laughing. I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's so... The spiral is so-- has so many spirals that it just looks like circles. It's sad, in a way. It expands so slowly that it doesn't even seem to go anywhere. Like it's meaningless, or..."

He put one palm on the top of her head and ran a finger of the other hand across the shell, out from the center, feeling the bumps massage his skin. "It's perfect."

"Yes. Yes. Yes." She let it fall to the sand.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 06:14:13 GMT

I realized the other day that this is the first time in a long time that I've felt pretty normal. I'm not chronically upset about anything in particular, and I'm not obsessing or worrying about anything in particular. I'm not severely happy or sad; I'm just sort of going about my day-to-day life. I've already written three papers, and none of them was very excruciating. All this normalcy is so weird. I've even been occasionally bored. And for me, being bored is an accomplishment. It means I'm not tormented by any detrimental thoughts or situations. I'm free to just live my life. Now the question is How do I want to live. Now that I've cleared away all the bullshit, what do I actually want to accomplish?

Friday, January 12, 2007

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 05:56:47 GMT

I'll explode if I don't go back to school soon. Good thing I am. I need to get out of this house. I love my parents, but their irreparable dysfunctions depress me; and when the effects of said dysfunctions are forced on me, it annoys the hell out of me. Not to mention the way I'm constantly judged around here (although, to be fair, that's mostly a certain sister whose name rhymes with Seth). I'm sick of defending my existence to these people. It's no wonder I have self-esteem issues. I'm just glad I finally see these things for what they are, and that I now have the confidence to stand up for myself. I've learned in the past year not to try to depend on things from people that just aren't going to give them to you. If you entrust your happiness to someone else, they better be reliable enough to treat it well. I used to want my parents to be everything. I thought they should be. I now see they are human just like everyone else, and I can glean from them only certain things, give them only certain things. In the end, I'M the only person in the world upon whom I can safely expect everything from. It's hard to let go of things, though, whether or not I ever really had them.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 05:32:18 GMT

Happy New Year...? I like being by myself. I'm the sort of person who needs to be alone a lot, whenever I want. I gather myself and absorb the earth, and when I'm ready I strike out once again into the world. Inconveniently, I'm also the sort of person who can get lonely. When I get the urge to be around people--whether it's an urge for people I like, people I love, or (less often) people I want to flirt with--I need to fulfill that urge or risk beoming lonely. Tonight I didn't want to be alone. And I think I just figured out someone doesn't like me. What is it with people not liking me? I don't get it. Seriously. I'm easy to get along with.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 21:19:24 GMT

2 As and 2 Bs. YES. Oooohhh, you have no idea how happy and relieved I am right now. When I saw those grades I did a little dance. Well, no, I didn't do a little dance--I did a big, ecstatic, strenuous, punching and pelvic-thrusting dance. I knew I was getting one of those As, but the other three grades could have all been Cs for all I knew. And I was going to be fucked if my GPA was too low. I needed my cumulative gpa to be above 3.0 so I could apply to the school of ed. Plus I worked ridiculously hard this semester, and I was NOT about to give my mother any reason to tell me otherwise. Augh... Yeah, even having less than all As makes me worry for a second about telling my mom. I actually have to remind myself that 2 As and 2 Bs is a great result, and Mom has no reason to complain. That's how much my mother has trained me to be a perfectionist. Anyway, phew! I am so happy and relieved. OH, and I just got someone to take my place in the apartment for the rest of my lease, which is AMAZING! Finally all the bullshit is lifting off my shoulders. It was really scary for the last couple weeks of school, but the storm is clearing. I can't wait to have a carefree, merry merry Xmas. I love everyone!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 05:01:33 GMT

Let it be said for completeness that I think the final performance (the only one open to the public) of A Midnight Clear went very well. I was able to stay in character and pay attention to Jack (or, I should say Paul) rather than the many dozens of eyes peering out of the white lights. There were no outright mistakes on anyone's part except for a minimally distracting problem with the sound. My emotions didn't always go where I wanted them to, but I didn't force anything that wasn't going to come. And really, that's the best I can hope for--staying true to the character and my impulses. More preparation may have made it approach real greatness, but we simply had a finite amount of time, so I'm okay with "very good". After the show, I received some very kind words from Barb Blackledge (and again later, secondhand), the head of the Theater department--although I didn't realize who I was talking to until afterwards! (I'm standing there thinking, Who is this and why does she know I'm a math major? Oh is this... THE BARB? I am but a fool!) It's strange now that it's all over, with no record other than the folded-up half-sheet program. I'll take with me all I learned, which is a lot. I'll miss the theater peeps, who I only started getting to know... Of course, I could always audition for something else next semester--but oh, I don't even want to think about that now. It all depends on what comes along. My motivation to work on acting doesn't come from some type of desire to have a successful acting career; it comes from my strong belief in a given work of art and my desire to share my unique perspective on concepts I care about. A Midnight Clear gave me that opportunity, and so did The Laramie Project, three years ago. I'll consider myself lucky if another chance comes along.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 19:23:31 GMT

All right. I have less than twenty-four hours to do an amount of stuff that would normally take me at least a week. And all of it is drop dead important. So I am terrified. However, I choose to take a positive outlook and take everything as it comes. If I am to succeed in the imminent future, I must march forward with determination. And so I will! Yes! Yes! Wheeeeeeeee!